We've had this dream, my wife and I. Our dream is to be together as much as possible. And we've been trying to figure out how to make that dream happen.
We know we can produce events with the best of'em. We know we can work together like few other couples can. We know we can work harder, together, than most people. And we know we have business savvy to boot.
So we came up with this idea,
"Say, girlie, what if we start a business together? You know, like events and photography kind of thing..." "Wow, that would be on hell of a risk, wouldn't it?" "Well ya, but realistically, if we don't do it we'll look back and say, 'why didn't we start a business together...'" "Maybe you're right, lets think about it some more and talk later..."
A while (and a lot of life) later, and we re-approached the idea,
"Say girlie, what about that idea we had about starting a business together?" "Yep, been thinkin' about that..." "You know, if I don't do it now, we'll probably never do it. And I either need to do it or stop talking about..." "okay, lets do it!"
(Conversation summery, no conversation actually happened that way)
My internal dialogue lately says, as Yoda best put it, "do or do not do, there is no try..."
We're watching 'everything is illuminated' on our sweet little set-up tonight. Got it last night. LED with a blueray player (to come).
Never set one up for myself, before this...
It's kind of a dream.
See, we didn't have a TV in our old place, and when we moved into this one, and with everything that went on soon thereafter, we got one kind-of out of necessity (you can check back in the posts to see what I mean), but it wasn't the one we 'wanted'. And we promised ourselves that if we ever had 'any' money we'd get one.
Well, it's here...
Still got some settling to do for it...drill the wires, put art up, etc. but you get the idea.
Just marking the occasion.
...Ya'll should come, have a glass of wine and watch a movie with us sometime.
I bought a lawn mower a couple weeks ago, cause this is what my yard looked like...
You can see it WAY in the back. Nice mower, but it's one of those manuel push kind...good for emissions. Bad for me!
I almost quit.
Almost gave up.
Got the the end of this first strip and had blisters on my hands already.
Had the rest of the yard to do.
Then I thought,
'How can I expect to be an example for my church if I don't manage my own affairs well?'
'How do I expect to respect myself as a man if I can't power through this yard?'
'How do I expect to be a good example to my wife if I can't do this?'
See, I expect a lot of myself. I expect a lot of my work ethic. Expect a lot of the outcomes of my work. Expect as close to perfection as I can muster.
Means I let myself down A LOT.
This time I didn't.
Before I knew it I had my head down, WORKIN'.
And before I knew it, the yard was DONE.
And wouldn't you know it, two weeks later, and the yard looks like this!
Just cause hard times come around doesn't mean you can let your expectations of yourself drop.
Expect results of yourselves, friends. Even if it means blisters on your hands and a little sweat on your brow. The results will pay more than your suffering.
I press on (push harder) to take hold (cleave to) of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of (captured) me. Brothers (and the Loved), I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of (my reward) it. But one thing
I do (and I will): Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead (into the LIGHT), I press on (strain further) toward the goal (work harder) to win the prize (refined by trials) for which God has called me heavenward (to GLORY) in Christ Jesus!
Spacing out the timeline by which this happened. Sifting through the papers by which this happened in my mind, 'cause things are moving quicker and quicker as we age. Moving from one step to the next almost without pause for consideration about what the next step will be...
Maybe it's suppose to be that way. Maybe its Trust sitting at the table with me, asking me to follow it instead of the paper trail I believe I have. Talking at me that is not really in my control, that it's not really up to me. Not really mine at all.
But I battle Trust with barbs like, 'but look what i've done' and, 'see how I've built it'. And trust looks at me while I speak, seeing me.
Selfish, proud, belligerent, dirty and unremorseful am I to Trust. But he loves me. He loves me. Busted and leaking. Soaking in my own guilt. Securing a place in the darkness, according to myself. But he thinks otherwise...
He thinks otherwise that I might have hope one day. hope in myself. Hope to heal myself. Those around me. Hope to have hope that I might one day be acceptable to Love.
And He knows I am acceptable to Love. Acceptable in my search. Acceptable in my selfishness, pride, belligerence, filthiness and unremorsefulness...made RIGHT by Love. Made Good.
And I sit, covered in the papers of my 'proof', made acceptable, made right, made Good. weeping. in awe. in Love.
Livin' the dream...Yup, it's great...when it works.
But when it doesn't work, it's just work.
Hard.
Painful.
Work.
See, I kind'a sold out when we planted THE WELL. I gave up the idea of having a 'real' job, 'cause I 'had' to do it. I knew I had to leave behind what most people consider a 'normal' life for a life of uncertainty and risk. Knew I had to do it; because it WAS risky... because the Spirit told me to.
Now, a-year-and-a-half into it we're getting down to the 'work'.
And it's HARD work.
Work, helping people (with God's help) dig themselves out of emotional and spiritual ditches while trying to dig myself out of one. Work, learning how to pastor. Work, surrendering to the vision that I now God has for me and my wife. Work, making life work against all odds.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE it (love pastoring, love production, love helping people/serving...it's what I'm MADE to do), but there are definite sacrifices involved in doing what you love.
Especially when you're just starting out.
And that's what we're doing.
Starting out.
I read Mars Hill Yearly report today. Even after 10 years they didn't feel like they had 'arrived'. That both encouraged me and discouraged me. Made me think we've got a ways to go. Made me think I'm lookin' forward to the journey.
It's like starting out on a swim.
Yep, that's me in my second triathlon EVER...notice all the wetsuits. Notice I'm not wearing one...
If you've ever swam across a lake before you know what I mean...
You get in and you're so excited to be in the water. And when you start swimming you're very concentrated on your strokes, what you're body feels like, getting warmed up. Not caring about where the other side of the lake is.
It's when you get to the middle, and you start to feel the fatigue, and you take a break to look around, and there's only water that you realize what you've done. And you think, 'oh man, I'm all by myself and there's only water around me...'
That's when the fear kicks in.
Here's the turning point.
You either keep swimming, or you drown...
You either take the risk and keep swimming to the other side, or turn back and go back to where you came from.
It might be easier to go back where you came from. It may be harder to keep swimming to the other side. But we're not called to take the easy way
Put your head down. Swim. You'll GET to the other side. You'll be tired, and your body will hurt. But you'll be stronger, fitter, more experienced and a better person for sticking to your guns and battling you're fear...
Feels like I'm in the middle of the lake. Looking around thinking 'wow, I've come a long way, but this is the most risky part. 'cause (with the Holy Spirit) I'm the only one who can make me get across this lake...'
I just have to keep working, keep enduring the pain, and keep looking to the shore as it gets closer...because, ultimately, I LOVE swimming...
