Spacing out the timeline by which this happened. Sifting through the papers by which this happened in my mind, 'cause things are moving quicker and quicker as we age. Moving from one step to the next almost without pause for consideration about what the next step will be...
Maybe it's suppose to be that way. Maybe its Trust sitting at the table with me, asking me to follow it instead of the paper trail I believe I have. Talking at me that is not really in my control, that it's not really up to me. Not really mine at all.
But I battle Trust with barbs like, 'but look what i've done' and, 'see how I've built it'. And trust looks at me while I speak, seeing me.
Selfish, proud, belligerent, dirty and unremorseful am I to Trust. But he loves me. He loves me. Busted and leaking. Soaking in my own guilt. Securing a place in the darkness, according to myself. But he thinks otherwise...
He thinks otherwise that I might have hope one day. hope in myself. Hope to heal myself. Those around me. Hope to have hope that I might one day be acceptable to Love.
And He knows I am acceptable to Love. Acceptable in my search. Acceptable in my selfishness, pride, belligerence, filthiness and unremorsefulness...made RIGHT by Love. Made Good.
And I sit, covered in the papers of my 'proof', made acceptable, made right, made Good. weeping. in awe. in Love.
Livin' the dream...Yup, it's great...when it works.
But when it doesn't work, it's just work.
Hard.
Painful.
Work.
See, I kind'a sold out when we planted THE WELL. I gave up the idea of having a 'real' job, 'cause I 'had' to do it. I knew I had to leave behind what most people consider a 'normal' life for a life of uncertainty and risk. Knew I had to do it; because it WAS risky... because the Spirit told me to.
Now, a-year-and-a-half into it we're getting down to the 'work'.
And it's HARD work.
Work, helping people (with God's help) dig themselves out of emotional and spiritual ditches while trying to dig myself out of one. Work, learning how to pastor. Work, surrendering to the vision that I now God has for me and my wife. Work, making life work against all odds.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE it (love pastoring, love production, love helping people/serving...it's what I'm MADE to do), but there are definite sacrifices involved in doing what you love.
Especially when you're just starting out.
And that's what we're doing.
Starting out.
I read Mars Hill Yearly report today. Even after 10 years they didn't feel like they had 'arrived'. That both encouraged me and discouraged me. Made me think we've got a ways to go. Made me think I'm lookin' forward to the journey.
It's like starting out on a swim.
Yep, that's me in my second triathlon EVER...notice all the wetsuits. Notice I'm not wearing one...
If you've ever swam across a lake before you know what I mean...
You get in and you're so excited to be in the water. And when you start swimming you're very concentrated on your strokes, what you're body feels like, getting warmed up. Not caring about where the other side of the lake is.
It's when you get to the middle, and you start to feel the fatigue, and you take a break to look around, and there's only water that you realize what you've done. And you think, 'oh man, I'm all by myself and there's only water around me...'
That's when the fear kicks in.
Here's the turning point.
You either keep swimming, or you drown...
You either take the risk and keep swimming to the other side, or turn back and go back to where you came from.
It might be easier to go back where you came from. It may be harder to keep swimming to the other side. But we're not called to take the easy way
Put your head down. Swim. You'll GET to the other side. You'll be tired, and your body will hurt. But you'll be stronger, fitter, more experienced and a better person for sticking to your guns and battling you're fear...
Feels like I'm in the middle of the lake. Looking around thinking 'wow, I've come a long way, but this is the most risky part. 'cause (with the Holy Spirit) I'm the only one who can make me get across this lake...'
I just have to keep working, keep enduring the pain, and keep looking to the shore as it gets closer...because, ultimately, I LOVE swimming...
'just because you're living doesn't mean you're alive'
heard that song lyric yesterday. Not sure who it's by, but it's a good one.
Got me thinking about what I'm doing with my life, if I'm truly alive...
'lot of people forget to LIVE life...They settle into a way of thinking and play maintenance until that 'magic' time when they'll 'break out of they're shell, and DO something'.
They look around at 80 and realize that time never came. (Freedom 55 anyone?)
Like they expected a sign along the way saying, "HAY! NOW'S THE TIME TO START LIVING!!'
Something I've realized over the last 5 months is that we really only get one crack at this life thing. Every day that you're breathing is the only day like it, and there won't be another one. Just like every breath is the only one like it, there won't be another one of those either.
(You thinking about you're breath pattern?)
My dad and I came up with this theory when I was a teenager, 'you make a decision whether you make a decision or not...', meaning, even the choice to not make a decision is a decision.
So if you're lazy, you're choosing to be lazy, even if you don't realize it...
throws it on it's head, right?
If you hate you're job, then quit.
If you hate where you live, move.
If your marriage isn't working, the fix it. Make it right. TALK to your wife, your husband. Clear the air. MAKE IT WORK.
You're the only one trapping you in you're own life...
